Category: Anonymous

When I was a little girl, I was scared to sleep because I thought that someone would come in and hurt me. I refused to sleep until I was absolutely sure that there were angels watching over me.

Then, I grew up and realised that Christianity wasn’t a faith that I could hold onto. I missed that though. I missed praying, and believing in heaven, and having angels watch over me while I slept.

I especially missed it when I was 14 or 15 years old. This was a really significant phase of my life, and probably the darkest. I was at a really low point that I just couldn’t escape from. One night I wasn’t able to sleep, and I got increasingly terrified about the type of thoughts I had throughout that day. I decided that I couldn’t feel like this anymore. Don’t ask me why, but I decided to get my phone and write a letter to myself. Through it, I found something to hold onto. Faith. Not in the form of angels or religion. But something that I could hold onto for a long time.

“Find something to have faith in. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to have faith in a religion. Everything happens for a reason and everything in life is either a blessing or a lesson and the only way you can see the blessing is by finding the lesson or by learning the lesson. Decide to put what you have of yourself into holding onto the faith, that even though you can’t see it, there is a blessing. It’s kind of like driving down a dark road and your headlights are only letting you see so far ahead. ‘This sucks right now. The way I feel sucks right now’ but maybe I am only seeing this far ahead and if I give up now I won’t know what’s further down the road because I quit and dropped off the road too soon. So, I decided to have faith that I can’t see the bigger picture and that something else has a bigger picture in store for me.

Every single day that is really good, or the days in my future that have yet to come, the day I get married, get my degree, have my own house, hold my child for the first time. Just the days I feel grateful for life. Those days are the days I decided to believe in. Even when I couldn’t see them yet, even when I didn’t know that they would exist yet. Even in days as simple as today. That is what I decided to have faith in.

Find your faith. Find what you decide to believe in. That will pull you through those dark times.

Trust me.

You can’t give up.

Even though your foresight is only so far ahead, and you might not be able to see yourself feeling any better in a few days, or weeks, or years, or whenever, but there is a time when you are going to feel better.

You need to hold onto that and make that happen because it is so worth it.
I have faith in that.”

Those words mean so much to me because I know that they will always be a beacon for me whenever I find myself lost in the dark. It seems like I was so young when I wrote this, but those words will remain with me forever.

Anonymous

Fingers of fear grasp me, as I witness the warmth of your tender, loving smile transition into a look of bitter rage. Fear’s unwieldy fingers encompass me whole in their resilient clasp, clenching me securely, leaving me tense

My voice is silent. Reduced to nothing but a mere whisper, poor snippets of inferior gasps escape from my lips. My own voice is insignificant against the sickening allure of your chosen poison. I tread warily, like a hesitant soldier stepping with caution through a vast and open minefield. My heart fluctuates from its steady rhythm, as I wait in anticipation of fear. I patiently wait for the next explosion of emotions to erupt from your lips. Tick… Tick… Tick… Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out. Words hurt and evict the smile off my innocent juvenile face. The sound of laughter exists as a faint defeated memory, as I realise that this is a competition I will not win.

No matter the strength of our love shared, nor the amount of precious time spent in each other’s embrace; nothing could compare to alcohol’s hypnotizing enticement.

Your gentle smile had worked wonders on resolving my sadness, soothing the heartache and strengthening our bond. Wrinkles would form the familiar vast valleys and ravines that my fingertips would gently trace with fond, careful strokes of wild admiration. I cherished being smothered in your loving embrace and having your long arms wrapped securely around me. Our fingers would entwine and our close intimacy would lead me to lean in closer to feel your chest rise and fall with ease. Rise and fall… Rise and fall… Rise and fall in a rhythm that brought me comfort. The warmth of your gentle hands would carefully caress the rounds of my chubby cheeks, while lies masked as believable promises flowed from your lips. Weak promises had filled my ears. It was the strength of these commitments that deceived me to believe that it was all true. A bee compelled to honey, my eyes had gleamed in the false hope of having the devoted mother I knew, stay with me, forevermore.

In memories I see you, Mum. I feel you, Mum. I can hear your laugh, but where are you now? Now. A time where I need you the most. I wait for your return every day. I wait in anticipation. I wait in heart ache. I wait in guilt with no return. I wait while isolated tears pool before me, my heart bleeding for my mother’s touch just one last time. Time is of the essence. This resonates with me deeply as I long to tell you three words that are written easier on paper today, than it was once to tell you. I love you Mum. Please listen to me as I call out to you in my deepest, darkest hours. Hours where my pillow gives no comfort, my eyes see no end and my mind knows no boundaries.

Time heals ‘they’ say. ‘They’ say fresh wounds that hurt eventually close. But who are ‘they’ to say that time can restore the heartache that relentlessly moves with me? The heartache that is continuously shadowing me day in, day out. Close enough for only me to feel, but for others to never see. The wells build up further, nearly bursting  at the absence of your motherly touch. The taste of salty tears never grows old.

Time will not bring me back my Mum.

Anonymous