When I was a little girl, I was scared to sleep because I thought that someone would come in and hurt me. I refused to sleep until I was absolutely sure that there were angels watching over me.
Then, I grew up and realised that Christianity wasn’t a faith that I could hold onto. I missed that though. I missed praying, and believing in heaven, and having angels watch over me while I slept.
I especially missed it when I was 14 or 15 years old. This was a really significant phase of my life, and probably the darkest. I was at a really low point that I just couldn’t escape from. One night I wasn’t able to sleep, and I got increasingly terrified about the type of thoughts I had throughout that day. I decided that I couldn’t feel like this anymore. Don’t ask me why, but I decided to get my phone and write a letter to myself. Through it, I found something to hold onto. Faith. Not in the form of angels or religion. But something that I could hold onto for a long time.
“Find something to have faith in. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to have faith in a religion. Everything happens for a reason and everything in life is either a blessing or a lesson and the only way you can see the blessing is by finding the lesson or by learning the lesson. Decide to put what you have of yourself into holding onto the faith, that even though you can’t see it, there is a blessing. It’s kind of like driving down a dark road and your headlights are only letting you see so far ahead. ‘This sucks right now. The way I feel sucks right now’ but maybe I am only seeing this far ahead and if I give up now I won’t know what’s further down the road because I quit and dropped off the road too soon. So, I decided to have faith that I can’t see the bigger picture and that something else has a bigger picture in store for me.
Every single day that is really good, or the days in my future that have yet to come, the day I get married, get my degree, have my own house, hold my child for the first time. Just the days I feel grateful for life. Those days are the days I decided to believe in. Even when I couldn’t see them yet, even when I didn’t know that they would exist yet. Even in days as simple as today. That is what I decided to have faith in.
Find your faith. Find what you decide to believe in. That will pull you through those dark times.
Trust me.
You can’t give up.
Even though your foresight is only so far ahead, and you might not be able to see yourself feeling any better in a few days, or weeks, or years, or whenever, but there is a time when you are going to feel better.
You need to hold onto that and make that happen because it is so worth it.
I have faith in that.”
Those words mean so much to me because I know that they will always be a beacon for me whenever I find myself lost in the dark. It seems like I was so young when I wrote this, but those words will remain with me forever.
Anonymous