Danielle Balmer attended FAHS from 2007 to 2011. She has a degree in communications and is currently a Communications Officer for the Manawatu District Council. She also writes a blog -www.daniellebalmer.org.nz
The following pieces first appeared on that blog. I have fallen in love with Dear Hypothetical Man. Here it is:
Dear Hypothetical Man,
We’ve often wondered what you’d be like. We even thought we’d met you before. A couple of times, in fact.
Other times, we’ve questioned whether marriage is ever a possibility for us at all.
We are not sure whether you exist. If you do, that’s lovely. But if you don’t, that’s fine too. Of course, it does make this letter existentially problematic – I mean, who are we even writing to? – but we’re totally fine either way.
We don’t do perfect. We do real. Let authenticity, conversation and hunger for each other be the manifesto for a marriage.
In the interests of full disclosure, please know that we aren’t porcelain dolls, we have insecurities- a kaleidoscope of flaws, as we hope you have too. We may get anxious, and bite our nails. All too often. And at times, get lost in our own heads.
But please don’t ever mistake our desire for independence or intermittent silence as indifference.
We want you to know that we’re not trophies or a symbol of your perceived success. Apparently it’s a compliment- just ask Kanye West. We were not raised to sit and look pretty on anyone’s shelf. We want to have intellectual conversations. We want to help you chase your dreams. We want to be your partner and not your prize.
Sometimes we’re boisterous and giggly. Confident. We were complete before we met you, as I hope you were too. So don’t get out the glue- that’s way too much pressure for anyone to bear.
Despite grocery shopping and doing laundry, our home will not be one of small talk and monotony. We are the authors of our suburban sonnet, after all.
We want you to know that we are feminists, and we want you to be one too (yes we said it). That doesn’t mean we are anti-men, and it doesn’t mean that we think of ourselves as superior to you. It merely means that as women, we believe we should have the power and the choice to define what it means to be female. Maybe it is defined through continuing to work a full time job throughout the duration of our marriage. Maybe one day it’ll mean deciding to take on the onerous yet rewarding task of being a stay-at-home mum. Either way it’ll be “working” and the best social situation that we can come up with will be free from societal expectations.
We want you to know that while your opinions will be valuable, we will try our hardest not to exchange our personal identity for your stamp of approval.
And what do we think you’re like? Well. The weight of expectation is a heavy one, so let’s avoid preconceptions. If we said yes, then, well, know that you’re perfect to us. Character is far more important.
I read somewhere once that you need to fall in love six times before you get married. Honestly, we are not sure what the ‘magic’ number is. We’ve fallen in love before, more than once. And fallen out of it again. We’ve met some very special people out of the 7 billion wandering the globe. Yet, despite time and life and multiple broken hearts, some inexplicable nonsensical pull could bring US together.
Too many people stay together because of expectation. Or exhaustion. Or fear of upsetting the status quo. But we, perhaps because of the divorce skeletons rattling through our heads, have always vowed we would never settle for second best.
And we won’t. You will be family. Bound not by DNA, but rather the family we choose.
And every day, we will choose you, again. And again.
It’ll be worth the wait.
With love,
Your Princess. (Ugh. I’m joking! Don’t you dare.)
Us